i don't know what to do now... sometimes i just feel like such a big failure, i'm failing in every aspect of my life! in family relationships, in studies, in church and even with him..

A levels are coming up, and my progress is really slow.. there's so much i don't know and i'm so tired of studying alr.. i thought i was prepared during prelims, but look at my results.. now i don't even feel prepared for As.. i can't imagine my results this time... and i don't have the strength to try anymore.. so quickly, it's been a week since baccalaureate... sigh... 2 weeks to As... i'm so tired i don't feel like trying anymore...

i know my parents, especially my mum, are really upset with me.. my mum complains that she doesn't know me naymore... i come home so late from studying everyday, that she only gets to look at me for a few seconds before they go to bed...and the thing is, after a long day outside, i come home tired and zombielike i don't feel like talking... my parents spend so much for me on tuition... and yet, i can't achieve any results for them.. what the hell is wrong with me?! why am i such a big loser? i try so hard, really, but it doesn't seem to be taking me anywhere. and my parents are so upset with me and my grades, even though i have been trying, i really have. i just don't know what's wrong with me. it sucks having a lousy memory.. i forget things within a few minutes of reading them...

as for my spiritual growth, it's hopeless. i've given up doing qt. i'm not gg for cg cause of As. not even gg for chc's svcs on sunday... sigh... yuan came into church so much later than me. shawn and matthew too. and their bible study lessons have alr surpased mine. yuan is the newest addition besides aaron, and he's almost finishing book 2. sometimes i just feel so left out in cg.. i can't connect to the people there, i can't share stuff with them.. i even feel remotely isolated...

as for yuan, he just dealt me a huge blow... after all the trust i've placed in him, i discover by accident that it was all a lie. i don't know who this bgirl is and the other one. but i know they like him.. and so maybe we're not officially tgt cause of church, but more or less, we're tgt... right? and he tells them he's single and available. although he does mention abt just being friends, but how many of us know that that doesn't deter girls from keeping that glimmer of hope and work to cozy up to him?and the terrible part was he deliberately kept it from me cause he knew i trusted him and wouldn't read his msges and hence will nvr find out anw. i know it's because he used to hurt alot of girls in the past, hence he doesn't want to hurt them now by giving a direct 'i'm attached'. but actualy, wouldn't it be less hurtful if he just told them straight and they'd give up, rather than playing them slowly and killing them later after they've really fallen in love? and he's worried abt hurting them, but yet willing to potentially hurt me. which he did since i found out. and he didn't prevent those girls from feeling hurt.. he just diverted the hurt they would get onto me. each girl's hurt adds on to me. i can't accept it really. even ian, when i told him abt it. no one believes yuan would do such a thing. to deliberately abuse my trust. in the whole 7 months, though i have your passwords and all, i nvr once ran a check on your emails, friendster msges, handphone msges, or anything for that matter.. i thought you meant it when you said you love me. but a person who loves me won't hurt me this way. i don't know if i can ever learn to trust you again yuan... i've spent 2 nights crying myself to sleep, breaking down in coffee bean, smudging my notes, and ignoring my parents... i just feel so tired.. i know you have alot of problems too and i don't want to add to them..but i've got problems too.. and likewise, you're my rock, but you let me down. i depended and lean on you so much, but you took my trust and abused it. if i didn't find out that day, would you even have come clean with me? i duno how long this has been gg on.. and i don't want to find out... when you showed me that long chain of msges of hers in your new phone, without my name anywhere, my heart just sank. 2 years ago, when i was tkaing my Os, joel cheated on me. i can't take this again... i'm having my As.. and i alr don't have the mood to mug.. why did you have to do this?!

am i overeacting? i don't know... maybe i'm just too sensitive.. i have many guy friends too right? maybe i'm just not pretty or smart enough, maybe i'm not as caring or nice or loving, maybe i don't provide you enough support, maybe i'm 'just too boring and you got tired of me.. i don't know.. i don't blame you.. i really am such a failure...

so many times i wanted to end my life cause i don't have the guts to face my parents, to face God, to face my church friends, to face my friends, and to face yuan. i've nth to be proud of.. but i can't end my life, that'll hurt Jesus too much. and He has alr died for me once... it's not fair for Him to die again from a broken heart. Lord i don't know if you hear me, but please, how i wish you'd take me away... i don't want to be such a burden to my family... i'm a lousy daughter, a lousy girlfriend, a lousy friend, a lousy sibling-in-christ, a lousy spiritual daughter, a lousy student, and evrything else. i'm so tired of trying Lord. nothing seems to get better. it's so hard to maintain a cheery outlook when everything's just so grim and grey... i htought abt driving myself crazy, so i can be warded into an asylum and not think abt things, but that will still burden my family.. today, i just thought of another way, and that's to enter a nunnery. that way, i can dwell in God's presence, and not have anything whatsoever to do with the secular world. and i get to help orphans and old folks, and not be a burden to my family or friends.. life would be so much easier...